One of the lucky ones

Growing up Mormon, you are conditioned to always be looking to the future for marriage, always thinking about your future mate, so it is no wonder that I have dreamed about the person I would marry since I was like 5.  I've always seen a picture in my head of what this guy would look like, and even in my life when I would be dating someone seriously, I knew that person was not "my" person.  For lots and lots of reasons, and I didn't think there was only 1 person in the universe I could potentially be with, but that there was, in fact, A person I would indeed be with, and so I waited patiently and sometimes impatiently, for this person.

My husband was so worth the wait.  I am one of the lucky ones to be able to say I literally married my dream man.  He is exactly what I pictured the person I married would look like.  Not to say he is perfect or that we don't have problems like any other couple, but I am fortunate enough to be going through life and all its ups and downs with my favorite friend by my side.  I am not a sappy person in general but just factually speaking, I would be a fool to not realize how blessed I am to have a husband whom I adore and genuinely enjoy being around.

I find him delightful, really I do.  He is not someone who laughs super easily, you have to work for it, and is an introvert by nature but somehow puts up with my constant stream of chatter and lets it flow over him, luckily not letting much of it soak in. Smart as a whistle, funny as hell, one of the most random people you can meet (likes Snoop Dog and Amy Grant almost equally, I'd say), hardworking, fun, easygoing, and just a wonderful guy all around.  Sure, he may leave his chonies around, but I will take that any day if it means I have him in my life safe and sound.

We both agree that our wedding day was definitely not the best day of our life, like you are "supposed" to feel, nor the days that our children were born.  They were wonderful and certainly important days, but I tell you what, my favorite day ever was not a day where my choochie ripped open and I was fat as a sow.  Wedding days are busy and whirlwindy and so much is going on, it is hard to really be in the moment when you have people to talk to and all that, and just, yeah, we agree our best days are just the ordinary days where we hang out as a family and have pauses where we drink in the beauty of a moment or our kids laughter, the simple stuff.

My husb didn't have a dad in his life and I think it makes him extra conscientious of being the best dad he can be.  He is completely besotted with our children, and loves them to tiny bitty pieces.  This is not the case for every dad out there, and I fully realize how lucky we are to have this man.  He also has seen me at my worst in every aspect at certain times and still loves me.  That there is something!  Gotta love a guy who can not only let you be you, but supports that.

One thing I find so fun about our life together is that he is making my dreams come true.  Case in point: When I was little, I always wanted to paint my room black.  That was so not happening in my life, so when he and I got our first place together, I suggested it and we were at Home Depot later that day.  I got my black room!  It was only briefly in that particular place but it filled that little box in my heart nonetheless.

Another was eating at that restaurant in Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland.  As a youngster, I was befuddled by the people eating there - how did you even get over there - the whole thing was a mind hump.  Life with my husb - we've eaten there twice now.  Woot!  Things like that, small and simple but so, so important to someone like me.  I have a long laundry list of things I want to do and accomplish in life and am checking those things off, one by one, with him tolerating my wigginess about that and - everything - along the way.

Like I said, I'm not one to get real sappy but I also have made stops at some dark stations on my life train so I know to appreciate all I have and to be grateful.  And I am!  Grateful for my wonderful husband who is so, so cool and grateful for the life and family we have built.  How could I have this good fortune and not recognize it.  So I gotta.  :)

Money does not make you incredible. Being incredible does.

I'm sick of white men with money who think they're hot sauce.  Or maybe I'm sick of just people in general with money who act entitled and better than others.  It is not cute and certainly does not make the world go round.

Why do people think having large amounts of money makes you indispensable or somehow better or stronger or smarter than others?  Money does not make a person interesting or amazing.  It simply means you have more money than others.  Oh good job! It means maybe you got lucky being born into a wealthy family, or made some smart financial decisions, or have a great paying job.  Wonderful.  I'm just not impressed.

I've had the opportunity to have been around lots of different people with stupid amounts of money.  Some of them you would never think it, becuz they act normal, blessedly normal, and not like some entitled a-hole.  And then there's the fun others, the ones who not only throw out in their condescending tones and body language, but also will actually verbalize - "Don't you know who I am?"  Gotta love that shiz.  That crap makes my scalp prickle.

I feel like, Don't you know who I am?!  I will go buck wild crazy on your ass!  The line from True Romance, Brad Pitt's character, always comes to mind in those situations "Don't f*&%in conden-scend me man.  I'll f*&^in kill you man."  As he continues smoking pot from his honey bear bong.  Best.Ever.

It may be I am extra sick of these freaking white men with money though.  There's always some Gil, Richard, Steve, whomever blowhard guy who is the owner/CEO/CFO of blah blah company and demands special coffees, snap and go service, impeccable towels, and all that other crap.  I am sick of these guys.  I don't have time to kowtow to these folk.  They can kind of suck it.  You know, the ones who sit around at a big conference table going over profit margins and reports and other mind numbing things.  This is the same guy who is probably either cheating on his wife with a hooker and/or getting lots of dirty nast movies in his room too.  I don't know how that works out but it's like politicians and scandals.  Goes hand in hand. Same thing.

You know who is interesting and impressive?  Someone who has fought against circumstance and overcome and come out on top.  Folks that come to mind are the doctor in Connecticut whose wife and daughters were murdered - Dr. Petit.  Overcoming that crippling grief and moving on to even simply function in life is dang impressive to me.  I'll get that guy a coffee any time.

 Or Wangari Maathai, first African American woman to win the Nobel Peace Prize, who has done amazing and life changing things for the world, or even someone like Bethany Hamilton.  Not to mention hundreds of thousands of regular people that get up every day and go out in the world to do some good, fighting against some circumstance of their own and just want to do their best in life.  These people are way more impressive than some lame old dude who happened to invest well.

When it comes down to it, we're all the same - just people in the world, who want to be happy and have good things happen to us, to laugh and love someone and be loved and be validated and contribute something of merit.  So I'm not interested in your dang bank account, I don't give a hoot if it is fat as could be or thin as a starving dog.  Treat others nicely and with kindness and you're okay in my book. Dismiss people summarily and you're a big douche with a great stock portfolio, but mostly just a big douche. Good job!

One moment

My little girl is almost 14 months old and is doing some of the cutest things.  Yesterday she learned how to turn the lights on and off, and you would've thought she discovered a giant toy store.  She was gleefully pushing the toggle switch On, then Off, just grinning her little face.  It was precious to see her figure out that pushing on it the one way turned it On - then the other made the light go Off.  I could see her processing this through her little thoughts and be so pleased with herself and it was simply delightful.

Watching her grow and change is so amazing.  I held her yesterday and just hugged on her  - I thought to myself, How much longer am I going to have a little tiny baby girl that I can pick up and love on?  Not for very long in the scheme of things.  And I just clutched her to me, breathing in that moment.  There was nothing special or noteworthy about it, other than that I realized just how fleeting this time is and I will never get it back.  She will grow up and be interested in different things, will not tolerate being hugged on and loved on by her mother, and will only want to spend time with her frenz.  So while I sometimes struggle with keeping up with her and am exhausted from chasing after her, I know this will only last but a tiny minute.  My beloved Emily Dickinson painting on my wall serves as a visceral reminder - "That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet."  But holding my sweet baby girl and hugging her soft, warm body, and watching as she discovers all the wonderful things in her world is a tangible reminder of this.

I am so thankful for my kids and the light and joy they bring.  As tough as being a parent is sometimes, there are so many incredible things about it as well and I choose to remember those.  At least in this moment. At least today.

Fulfilling childhood dreams

When I was a little girl, I desperately wanted an American Girl doll.  I would write on the little postcard to make sure I received a catalog, and just pore and pore over those.  I knew exactly which doll I would buy (Molly), and what outfits I would order for her, IF ONLY.

With 7 brothers and sisters, money was tight so an outlandishly expensive toy was not in the cards.  I pined and pined for that American Girl doll for years.  I fantasized about going to one of the actual stores (back then, there were 2 - New York and Chicago, which may as well have been in outer space) and having lunch after having lovingly selected my Molly doll and several  new outfits for her to wear. This dream got shelved for many years but I continued to get the American Girl catalogs and always would gleefully go through and dogear the pages which had items I would buy.

Finally, at age 25, I went to New York with my sisters and mom.  The most important thing on my list of things to do in this great and glorious city was - you guessed it - go to American Girl!  I budgeted for myself to buy a doll and many other things.  This was a big deal!  Only one of my sisters came with me, and of course my mother.  She felt bad that she had never been able to afford this much desired treasure for me.  I was just excited to finally have my Molly doll and be able to buy the things I had wanted for her.  It was more about the act of being able to fulfill a childhood dream than the actual item.

Next month, I will be going to the L.A store and finally  having lunch at American Girl!  I am so excited to finally be able to fulfill that particular childhood dream.  I already know how giddy I will be, not as much for the 31 year old me, but for the little 10 year old me whose longtime dream will finally be realized.  Priceless.

Adjusting expectations

I always thought I would have 3 or 4 children.  I am particularly fond of odd numbers so thought 3 would be great.  However, after having just one and experiencing all that is motherhood, I wasn't sure I would be able to do it again at all.  Ever.

Eventually, we did decide to try for another one and were blessed with our daughter and again, many challenges so we had to make the decision that 2 was all the children we could handle.  It wasn't hard to make the decision to get my hubby snipped, but rather it has been harder reconciling my expectations for myself as a mother.  I know I can only mentally handle the 2 children I have.  I know I just don't have the patience for a bunch of kids wheedling and whining at me.

While they are so many great things about having kids, and there really are, there is often a big old bridge between those sweet and beautiful moments and too many of those Holy crap I'm going to pull my own hair out moments.  So it is for these 2 kids I already have that I had to realize that this is all I am capable of.  To push myself further would be a great disservice to them, to my husband, and to myself.  Any more children at this point in life would not allow me to give these kids the best of me.  There are already lots of days that the best of me really isn't great.

All my sisters have at least 3 kids.  I really figured I'd always have my own 3 as well.  Why aren't I more capable of being a calm, creative, cleaning, laundering machine?  I don't know.  I only know that this is all I got.

I would even go against my sensible feelings if not for the road we traveled to get to being parents of 2. Before each of my children, I had 2 miscarriages, making a total of 4.  Anyone who has experienced a miscarriage knows how much of  a blow it can be.  4 is a lot of losses, becuz it truly does feel like a loss.  You have this expectation of being a mother, or a mother again, and a cautious hope sprouts in your heart, only to be ripped to ribbons at the first signs of losing the pregnancy.  There were times I thought I would never be a  mother, and after my son, did not think I would have another, could not possibly physically have another child.  So I realize how lucky I am with that part alone, being able to get past several losses and have 2 healthy kids.

Just that factor, all those stressful first months, sonogram appointments that changed horribly in an instant, coupled with children who simply aren't good sleepers, one with terrible colic, high maintenance both of them, awful postpartum depression, getting horrible infections after childbirth and not being the kind of person who does great at being pregnant - and my small patience with my kids, being penchant to wigging out way too much, all lead to my knowing that two kids was going to do it for me.

I wish sometimes that I were a different kind of mother.  As someone who often doesn't care what people think in certain arenas of life, I certainly can't say I don't compare myself to other mothers.  I know there are lots of ladies out there who can not only handle 2 kids, but 4 or 6 and do so with grace and patience, all while running loads of laundry, making a homemade casserole, fitting in exercise every day, and crafting with the children.  I have to adjust my expectations and accept that this is simply not the kind of mother or woman I am.  I will never make my own laundry detergent and my own bubbles for the kids.  I don't want to.  I want to buy bubbles and utilize Tide's talents to get my clothes clean.  As much as I love seeing fun little ideas and recipes and ways to be the best mother on the earth and the like on Pinterest, I will never do 9/10th of those things.  And why should I feel badly about it?

I like to color with my kids, I do really like to blow bubbles, I like to take them to the library, read to them at nite, make sure they have sippy cups and snacks in the car, and tell them definitions of words.  I will  never be the most fun or creative mother but I guess I also won't be the mother under the table after a bender either.  So in the middle I will remain.  But it's difficult sometimes realizing you don't and won't meet  a certain expectation you had of yourself.  You have to accept where you are but mostly who you are.  It would be a futile waste of my time that I could utilize sitting on the ground reading while my kids play nearby.  Becuz I am not the mom that wants to play all day with them, but I am the kind who is happy and content to sit right there with them if they need me.  And that will just have to be enough.

What's the matter with kids today?

I'm officially old I guess becuz I am ready to start my rant about how ungrateful and rude teenagers today can be.  Not all - I will not be so obtuse as to incorporate every teenager out there into my diatribe - but a vast majority, I can perhaps safely say.  Too many, at any rate.

I know kids were like that when I was in high school so I know it really isn't just teens now.  The frenz I had were just not like that.  We were grateful for what we had.  If we could borrow a rattletrap car off a parent for an evening, that was like the best thing ever.  There was never any complaining about what kind of car it was.

It seriously is maddening to see how many kids feel like things are owed to them simply becuz they exist.  What happened to working for what you have? I was certainly not handed anything in my life and I am glad for that.  My husband and I have worked hard and done things largely on our own throughout our lives.  (We did not grow up together, just similarly. Had to clarify.)

My son asked me the other day as he was playing on the laptop (this was our only computer for years) if I liked to play on my laptop when I was a kid.  I had to remind him I had only gotten a laptop a few months prior - the first computer I have ever owned, at 31.  We were barely able to make our bills when I was growing up, much less have any extra for luxuries.  Are you kidding me?!  My husb grew up the same way and we very much appreciate everything we have.  Besides the fact that laptops were not as common until recently.

My first trip to Hawaii - age 30.  My son's first trip to Hawaii - not quite 3 years old.  What!  Of course we want better things for our kids and want more for them than we had growing up.  I also want my kids to appreciate the things they do have.  There is always going to be someone out there with way more than you have and also someone with way less, no matter where you are at in life.  It feels good to work hard and be able to buy things for yourself.  There is nothing quite the same as working for something to make you appreciate it so much more.

When I see teenagers, or any age child for that matter, assuming they should have something just - becuz - nearly sends me into a frenzy.  Freaking be grateful for what you have.  Stop assuming people are going to pay your way.  Be willing to work hard.  No job is beneath you.  You are not better than anyone else, regardless of what label is on your pants or shoes, or what little metal hood ornament or sequence of letters and numbers CX38 or whatever is on your car - none of that matters.  It does not make you any better than anyone else.

I find it interesting when people we know make fun of our old van.  Yes, it is 13 years old and has no backup camera or seat warmers and has a taped up side view mirror (I broke it once, paid $300 to get it fixed,and promptly broke it again.  It works and is fine.) As a general shout out to all those who have commented,  WE CAN AFFORD A NICER CAR, please don't worry about us.  We chose to purchase an older car to have a low payment and guess what, we have no car payments now.  So thanks, I will happily roll around town in my old ass van.

That took a different turn but related to the  - you aren't better than anyone else based on what you drive - small retort from me felt necessary.

I'm so glad many of my frenz with kids are raising their children to be thoughtful, kind, hardworking, and appreciative.  Here's hoping we create a grateful and decent new wave of teenagers for the future.

Things I would not post on Facebook

There are many things that should probably never be posted on Facebook but there are also a handful of things I personally would not post:

1 - Sonogram pictures.  I get that everyone is excited to announce their pregnancy via Facebook and it is a long thought out process "When are you announcing on Facebook?!"  type thing and how will you do it, like with what cute way to tell everyone, eeee!  A new baby is exhilarating, I get it, I just miss the part where showing everyone your uterus and its contents is desirable. I am just as excited for you, I really am, but I admit that I really glaze over people's sonogram pics.  I find them quite personal - they almost always have the mother's full name and sometimes ss# on the pic, the doctor they go to, lots of info on one picture.  I know you are so thrilled to be expecting and I am so thrilled for you, I just am not interested in viewing everyone's sono pics.  Sorry.

2 - RIP.  It is always sad when someone you love dies and I absolutely think it is appropriate to let the FB community know of course.  I just don't get the RIP thing.  RIP to me is found on a headstone at a haunted house or in someone's yard for Halloween.  Rest in peace, okay, and sure, it is the same thing, I just find RIP Tacky Jackie.  I feel like RIP is the same as tipping a 40 to someone - again, fine, but devoid of taste, really.  To each his own but not for me.

3 - Some cliffhanger that is supposed to incite people to inquire more.  "Excited!"  "3 more days!" "Sad...."  Either say what you mean or don't post.  You are obviously trying to get some attention which is okay but just say "I want attention!"  Maybe I should call this list my own pet peeves.  They are that as well, but at the same time, definitely things I would not post so my original title still stands.

4 - Giving shout outs to someone who is not on FB while addressing them as if they are.  "Happy birthday to my little boy who is 2 today!  Mommy and Daddy love you so much and are so glad to have you in our lives!"  Tiny Johnny is not on Facebook.  I do not address my posts to folks who do not only not have accounts but will never see that post ever.  I get the wanting to give a shoutout and would say myself something like "Happy bday to my son - we love him and ...."  but it is not specifically addressed to him.  Just not my cup of tea.

5 - Song lyrics as status updates.  Oh geez.  If I ever did this, it would only be becuz aliens took over my body.  I cringe a little when I see this.  So of course would not post this shiz on FB.

Not trying to hate on folks that do this and of course it is not personal.  Mostly everyone does at least one of them and again, to each their own.  They are just things that will not be an update from my own body.

How do I get there from here?

If you're like me, you are sitting here at an age when you thought long ago you would've accomplished much more than you actually have and still feel like you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing.  Driving in my car alone today - blissfully alone - listening to Deana Carter, singing my face like I am Deana herself in concert, the words I was singing resonated.  "How do I get there from here?"

My life goals are simple.  I always wanted to marry a wonderful man and have a beautiful, healthy family, kids, a house, a couple cars that ran, and vacations. Kind of simple anyway.  I have the man of my dreams and have 2 very active - sometimes a bit crazy - kids.  I am grateful every day for all the blessings in my life.  I have sisters and brothers I love and mostly get along with, or who at least keep life entertaining.  An amazing mother who is my closest friend and whom I love with a ferocity of a bear.  So many wonderful things I am aware of and thankful for every single day.

I could expire tomorrow and would be okay not having been to Europe and every national park and not been to my American Girl lunch yet.  That'd be alright.  But what haunts me daily are the career dreams I have always had for myself that are not yet realized.  How do I get from here  - a stay at home mom (which, thank you heavens that I can do this - what an amazing blessing right there) to being a lead in a Hallmark Christmas movie? Or a Lifetime movie?  Or ABC Family?

I've wanted to be an actress since I was 12 years old.  My first boyfriend, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, was an actor and I love love loved watching him and figured he would realistically be my boyfriend if I were an actress too.  But the crush on unsuspecting MPG waned and the desire to be an actress did not.

My mother and I would watch Lifetime movies together and I always enjoyed them so much.  The acting didn't have to be good, the drama was so palpable, the love stories so anemic and yet it was all frothy warm and as comforting as a mug of hot cocoa being sipped beside a roaring fire on a cold winter's day.  It felt wonderful to me.  I loved watching these stories unfold and there took root in my little soul, the burning desire that I too, would be an actress on just such a 2 hour drama, love story or based on a true story tale.

The years have passed - many a year! - and still the dream lives on.  A wise man once told me "When you have a desire to do something that doesn't fade away, it means you are meant to do it."  Wonderful country logic from a delightfully uncomplicated man.  So now I need to get serious - I still want to be a lead (eventually! Right now I will take neighbor/best friend/cousin) in a Hallmark/Lifetime/ABC Family movie.  I'm not trying to be some famous actress and in fact would rather avoid that lifestyle.  I just want to be able to jaunt up to Canada or North Carolina or Kentucky for  6 or 8 weeks and film a charming little tale of  - something! - and be able to bring my kids and family with me and be filming, have a trailer, lines, a hair and makeup person and be able to do something I really truly love.  Just make a few of these bad boys a year, like 2.  So now I have to figure out how to get there - the collective television screen in a holiday tale of mischief, love and mischance, or whatever!  I must get there.