Enough

It's been a really busy several weeks in our lives.  Lots of running around, like literally days where we are only home for 2 daytime hours.  Just madness.  And sometimes at the end of the day, I would sit and think "Where did the day go? " and not necessarily feel like I had accomplished anything.

I've found myself having to really reprioritize, sometimes multiple times throughout the day, shuffling around things that maybe I thought needed to get done and when it came right down to it, wasn't as important as I thought.  I had to remind myself that the truly important things got done.  My dishes might not've but my kids were taken to and from school, they were hugged on and loved on, and had some food in their bellies, and we were together.

I get too comfortable sometimes, not realizing how much I have and how truly fortunate I am, and I have to step back and remind myself.  That not every mom out there has the comfort of having healthy children, and even the simple pleasures of running water, or food to feed her children, and I feel humbled.  I might not be where I want to be career wise - but I am exactly where I need to be.

I always wanted to be able to stay home with my kids, even before I had kids, and never thought it would be a reality, and the fact that I get to is really just a huge blessing.  There are sacrifices sure, but they are worth it.  I love doing what I am doing, being able to drop my little boy off at school and have my little girl with me all day.  And then it's nice when she has school 2 days a week too, and I have time to myself.  Glorious also.

This life - is everything I imagined.  Everything I so desperately wanted when I was growing up - a family of my own, being able to be with someone I loved best of all, someone fun and funny and loving and wonderful, and to be a mom - there were many days in my life where I didn't think I could have kids and after the first, have another.  So we have been really blessed and we are so fortunate and I am so glad to be reminded of that.

There is no big lightning bolt of magic all the time and our lives are busy, and crazy and messy, and woven in all that is beauty  - little knock knock jokes my little boy will tell me, a picture my teeny princess has colored and is so excited to show me, seeing my sweet hubby when he gets home, those little slivers that really are nothing but sheer magic.

I'm a simple girl that likes simple things and it definitely is enough.  If this is all there is in life, then I am pretty dang lucky.

My sweet little boy started kindergarten today.  He was up early, dressed and clean and handsome in his way too cute school uniform.  Brand new Super Mario backpack laden with pristine new school supplies on his back, and a new lunch bag to go with it, packed with fun treats and nutritious goodness.  

Papa and Sis and I walked him up to the big, imposing building that would snatch my wee little 5 year old up and keep him for nearly 7 hours.  I knew he would be okay, really felt in my small cold heart that he would be okay, but still couldn't help my heart fluttering with worry.  My mind scrambled through the last 5.5 years of memories - did I do enough? I thought frantically.  Does he know he is so, so loved and cherished, despite his crazy momma's sometimes breakdowns?  Did I appreciate the moments up until now, the time I spent at home with him, should I not have worked the year I worked a lot, is his self esteem high enough to sustain him through life's harsh travesties?

Have I played with him enough, read to him enough, fed his little confidence while also helping him find his own independence?  Truthfully, I just wanted to snatch him up in my arms and run off with my little family to a cave in the mountains where I can hold them both to me and keep them safe, keep them innocent.  I think every mom feels that way now and again.  It's hard to let these little ones go, and let them fly.  We nervously hover over them, just waiting to dart in and rescue them.  Or maybe that's just me.

He is growing up.  He is becoming a little independent guy.  Not long ago he was my little firstborn baby, chubby as could be, smiles for everyone, now he is jaunting off to a full day of scholastics.  The time has whooshed by and I feel stunned and stricken by it.  Makes me think of that floating out there statement that children are your heart walking around in the world or something - I feel like that today!  I want him to be his own little person but I also want to keep him safe all the livelong time.  This is his first real foray into - life, and it makes me nervous and scared and proud and excited for him all at the same time.  I hope we have done enough to give him the foundation he needs to navigate the wiles of kindergarten, and hope we can continue to keep his tiny self esteem and self confidence sky high, while also make him aware of being kind and giving.  These tiny people are set to rip your heart right out of your body, in some way or another.

Cheers to my wonderful little boy and all he will accomplish this year! And cross my fingers that I make it through too.  :)

Selfish people can do okay too

Before I became a mom, I was one of the most selfish people I knew.  Not meanly so, just being the baby of a drove of children and am the kind of personality that when I didn't want to do something, I just would not.

Having my son was a huge change for me.  I've always been a big fan of sleep, and lots of it, and that shiz went straight out the window - for 5 years and counting.  But all that nonsense is worth it when he sweetly gives me a soft kiss on my forehead and tells me how much he missed me and is so glad to spend time with me.  Seriously?

Sleep is an old friend that I do dearly miss and I am still selfish in my little soul, but I love my babies a stupid crazy amount and they basically blow up my heart.

One of the lucky ones

Growing up Mormon, you are conditioned to always be looking to the future for marriage, always thinking about your future mate, so it is no wonder that I have dreamed about the person I would marry since I was like 5.  I've always seen a picture in my head of what this guy would look like, and even in my life when I would be dating someone seriously, I knew that person was not "my" person.  For lots and lots of reasons, and I didn't think there was only 1 person in the universe I could potentially be with, but that there was, in fact, A person I would indeed be with, and so I waited patiently and sometimes impatiently, for this person.

My husband was so worth the wait.  I am one of the lucky ones to be able to say I literally married my dream man.  He is exactly what I pictured the person I married would look like.  Not to say he is perfect or that we don't have problems like any other couple, but I am fortunate enough to be going through life and all its ups and downs with my favorite friend by my side.  I am not a sappy person in general but just factually speaking, I would be a fool to not realize how blessed I am to have a husband whom I adore and genuinely enjoy being around.

I find him delightful, really I do.  He is not someone who laughs super easily, you have to work for it, and is an introvert by nature but somehow puts up with my constant stream of chatter and lets it flow over him, luckily not letting much of it soak in. Smart as a whistle, funny as hell, one of the most random people you can meet (likes Snoop Dog and Amy Grant almost equally, I'd say), hardworking, fun, easygoing, and just a wonderful guy all around.  Sure, he may leave his chonies around, but I will take that any day if it means I have him in my life safe and sound.

We both agree that our wedding day was definitely not the best day of our life, like you are "supposed" to feel, nor the days that our children were born.  They were wonderful and certainly important days, but I tell you what, my favorite day ever was not a day where my choochie ripped open and I was fat as a sow.  Wedding days are busy and whirlwindy and so much is going on, it is hard to really be in the moment when you have people to talk to and all that, and just, yeah, we agree our best days are just the ordinary days where we hang out as a family and have pauses where we drink in the beauty of a moment or our kids laughter, the simple stuff.

My husb didn't have a dad in his life and I think it makes him extra conscientious of being the best dad he can be.  He is completely besotted with our children, and loves them to tiny bitty pieces.  This is not the case for every dad out there, and I fully realize how lucky we are to have this man.  He also has seen me at my worst in every aspect at certain times and still loves me.  That there is something!  Gotta love a guy who can not only let you be you, but supports that.

One thing I find so fun about our life together is that he is making my dreams come true.  Case in point: When I was little, I always wanted to paint my room black.  That was so not happening in my life, so when he and I got our first place together, I suggested it and we were at Home Depot later that day.  I got my black room!  It was only briefly in that particular place but it filled that little box in my heart nonetheless.

Another was eating at that restaurant in Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland.  As a youngster, I was befuddled by the people eating there - how did you even get over there - the whole thing was a mind hump.  Life with my husb - we've eaten there twice now.  Woot!  Things like that, small and simple but so, so important to someone like me.  I have a long laundry list of things I want to do and accomplish in life and am checking those things off, one by one, with him tolerating my wigginess about that and - everything - along the way.

Like I said, I'm not one to get real sappy but I also have made stops at some dark stations on my life train so I know to appreciate all I have and to be grateful.  And I am!  Grateful for my wonderful husband who is so, so cool and grateful for the life and family we have built.  How could I have this good fortune and not recognize it.  So I gotta.  :)

Money does not make you incredible. Being incredible does.

I'm sick of white men with money who think they're hot sauce.  Or maybe I'm sick of just people in general with money who act entitled and better than others.  It is not cute and certainly does not make the world go round.

Why do people think having large amounts of money makes you indispensable or somehow better or stronger or smarter than others?  Money does not make a person interesting or amazing.  It simply means you have more money than others.  Oh good job! It means maybe you got lucky being born into a wealthy family, or made some smart financial decisions, or have a great paying job.  Wonderful.  I'm just not impressed.

I've had the opportunity to have been around lots of different people with stupid amounts of money.  Some of them you would never think it, becuz they act normal, blessedly normal, and not like some entitled a-hole.  And then there's the fun others, the ones who not only throw out in their condescending tones and body language, but also will actually verbalize - "Don't you know who I am?"  Gotta love that shiz.  That crap makes my scalp prickle.

I feel like, Don't you know who I am?!  I will go buck wild crazy on your ass!  The line from True Romance, Brad Pitt's character, always comes to mind in those situations "Don't f*&%in conden-scend me man.  I'll f*&^in kill you man."  As he continues smoking pot from his honey bear bong.  Best.Ever.

It may be I am extra sick of these freaking white men with money though.  There's always some Gil, Richard, Steve, whomever blowhard guy who is the owner/CEO/CFO of blah blah company and demands special coffees, snap and go service, impeccable towels, and all that other crap.  I am sick of these guys.  I don't have time to kowtow to these folk.  They can kind of suck it.  You know, the ones who sit around at a big conference table going over profit margins and reports and other mind numbing things.  This is the same guy who is probably either cheating on his wife with a hooker and/or getting lots of dirty nast movies in his room too.  I don't know how that works out but it's like politicians and scandals.  Goes hand in hand. Same thing.

You know who is interesting and impressive?  Someone who has fought against circumstance and overcome and come out on top.  Folks that come to mind are the doctor in Connecticut whose wife and daughters were murdered - Dr. Petit.  Overcoming that crippling grief and moving on to even simply function in life is dang impressive to me.  I'll get that guy a coffee any time.

 Or Wangari Maathai, first African American woman to win the Nobel Peace Prize, who has done amazing and life changing things for the world, or even someone like Bethany Hamilton.  Not to mention hundreds of thousands of regular people that get up every day and go out in the world to do some good, fighting against some circumstance of their own and just want to do their best in life.  These people are way more impressive than some lame old dude who happened to invest well.

When it comes down to it, we're all the same - just people in the world, who want to be happy and have good things happen to us, to laugh and love someone and be loved and be validated and contribute something of merit.  So I'm not interested in your dang bank account, I don't give a hoot if it is fat as could be or thin as a starving dog.  Treat others nicely and with kindness and you're okay in my book. Dismiss people summarily and you're a big douche with a great stock portfolio, but mostly just a big douche. Good job!

One moment

My little girl is almost 14 months old and is doing some of the cutest things.  Yesterday she learned how to turn the lights on and off, and you would've thought she discovered a giant toy store.  She was gleefully pushing the toggle switch On, then Off, just grinning her little face.  It was precious to see her figure out that pushing on it the one way turned it On - then the other made the light go Off.  I could see her processing this through her little thoughts and be so pleased with herself and it was simply delightful.

Watching her grow and change is so amazing.  I held her yesterday and just hugged on her  - I thought to myself, How much longer am I going to have a little tiny baby girl that I can pick up and love on?  Not for very long in the scheme of things.  And I just clutched her to me, breathing in that moment.  There was nothing special or noteworthy about it, other than that I realized just how fleeting this time is and I will never get it back.  She will grow up and be interested in different things, will not tolerate being hugged on and loved on by her mother, and will only want to spend time with her frenz.  So while I sometimes struggle with keeping up with her and am exhausted from chasing after her, I know this will only last but a tiny minute.  My beloved Emily Dickinson painting on my wall serves as a visceral reminder - "That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet."  But holding my sweet baby girl and hugging her soft, warm body, and watching as she discovers all the wonderful things in her world is a tangible reminder of this.

I am so thankful for my kids and the light and joy they bring.  As tough as being a parent is sometimes, there are so many incredible things about it as well and I choose to remember those.  At least in this moment. At least today.

Fulfilling childhood dreams

When I was a little girl, I desperately wanted an American Girl doll.  I would write on the little postcard to make sure I received a catalog, and just pore and pore over those.  I knew exactly which doll I would buy (Molly), and what outfits I would order for her, IF ONLY.

With 7 brothers and sisters, money was tight so an outlandishly expensive toy was not in the cards.  I pined and pined for that American Girl doll for years.  I fantasized about going to one of the actual stores (back then, there were 2 - New York and Chicago, which may as well have been in outer space) and having lunch after having lovingly selected my Molly doll and several  new outfits for her to wear. This dream got shelved for many years but I continued to get the American Girl catalogs and always would gleefully go through and dogear the pages which had items I would buy.

Finally, at age 25, I went to New York with my sisters and mom.  The most important thing on my list of things to do in this great and glorious city was - you guessed it - go to American Girl!  I budgeted for myself to buy a doll and many other things.  This was a big deal!  Only one of my sisters came with me, and of course my mother.  She felt bad that she had never been able to afford this much desired treasure for me.  I was just excited to finally have my Molly doll and be able to buy the things I had wanted for her.  It was more about the act of being able to fulfill a childhood dream than the actual item.

Next month, I will be going to the L.A store and finally  having lunch at American Girl!  I am so excited to finally be able to fulfill that particular childhood dream.  I already know how giddy I will be, not as much for the 31 year old me, but for the little 10 year old me whose longtime dream will finally be realized.  Priceless.